Nurses are in the trenches and on the front lines of care during this global health crisis. We go into battle and if we are lucky, we emerge unscathed – but more often not, nurses carry psychological and emotional battle scars. Every nurses during this pandemic has a story and here’s mine.
March 2020- New Jersey got badly hit by the Covid-19 pandemic. State lockdown was imposed. Numerous cases were tallied daily and death tolls were rising. We ran out of ventilators and our hospitals were in full capacity.
March 21- my symptoms of COVID-19 appeared. I tested positive on the 25th, I managed my symptoms at home and I stayed on isolation until April 7th. April 8th- physically I have fully recovered and went back to work. We were understaffed, I had 5 patients, three of them expired in my shift. And code blues and rapid response were being called over head - every freaking 15- 30mins. 😢 The whole months of March-May were just like a scene of a horror movie. 🥺
May to June, I kept waking up at one in the morning. My eyes were soaking wet. I cried so many times over a death of patients from my previous shift. I kept hearing the abnormal heart or ventilator monitor alarms constantly ringing in my head. A few instances I get awakened by a horrible nightmares. A bad dream seeing dead bodies stocked in piles inside our trailers trucks and a memory of my beloved coworker that my team attempted to resuscitate and she sadly had untimely succumbed from COVID-19 infection after serving our patients at the bedside.
What I went through isn’t easy after all. I reached out for help and addressed my mental health needs. I noticed that depression is starting to set in. Episodes of mode swings, irritability, insomnia, lack of drive to perform my activities of daily living. I just wanted to escape the moment- Once became sedentary during my rest days. Stress eating was became my unhealthy coping that caused to gain weight. This isn't me, and I need to do something better than being a couch potato.
I took the baby steps to heal myself. I sought consult for a professional help. Once a week for almost two months I am over the phone with someone for counseling sessions that absolutely helped me deal with my post traumatic stress symptoms. I keep myself grounded in prayer, meditation, yoga, journaling and staying in touch with people that are significant in my life- my family and friends. I focused in building resilience to just face the new normal.
Here’s the greatest lesson I have learned~ I know I won’t be able to control the toxic work environment that I am in or I was in during the peak of the pandemic but I am in control on how to react and deal with the situation. I’ve learned to just accept the fact that WE CAN’T SAVE ALL our patients. I am somehow feeling privileged to be with them during the last few moments of their life and I held their hands- and said a prayer for the eternal repose of their souls.🙏🏼
My message to those who think that this pandemic is a HOAX. Stop this stupid belief of yours! Open your eyes!!!! Wear your freaking mask and and stop turning this into a political game. I will never wish for Covid-19 to hit anyone - not even you or your family members.
2020 is not the greatest year but as Year of the Nurse - I will never ever forget how this whole thing changed me and how I perceive the true essence of caring in nursing. And how “team nursing” plays a huge role in the course of the pandemic. I am thankful to all our travel nurses who extended their help during this difficult time.
The war against COVID-19 is not over yet. Experts say that there is a possibility of the resurgence of cases in the Fall but hoping it isn’t as bad as the first time we’ve experienced it. I have learned to over rule FAITH OVER FEAR. I believe that God performs its glorious miracles up to this day. I might be scarred but not broken. I will continue to strive to be the best healthcare worker that I can be. 💜
March 21- my symptoms of COVID-19 appeared. I tested positive on the 25th, I managed my symptoms at home and I stayed on isolation until April 7th. April 8th- physically I have fully recovered and went back to work. We were understaffed, I had 5 patients, three of them expired in my shift. And code blues and rapid response were being called over head - every freaking 15- 30mins. 😢 The whole months of March-May were just like a scene of a horror movie. 🥺
May to June, I kept waking up at one in the morning. My eyes were soaking wet. I cried so many times over a death of patients from my previous shift. I kept hearing the abnormal heart or ventilator monitor alarms constantly ringing in my head. A few instances I get awakened by a horrible nightmares. A bad dream seeing dead bodies stocked in piles inside our trailers trucks and a memory of my beloved coworker that my team attempted to resuscitate and she sadly had untimely succumbed from COVID-19 infection after serving our patients at the bedside.
What I went through isn’t easy after all. I reached out for help and addressed my mental health needs. I noticed that depression is starting to set in. Episodes of mode swings, irritability, insomnia, lack of drive to perform my activities of daily living. I just wanted to escape the moment- Once became sedentary during my rest days. Stress eating was became my unhealthy coping that caused to gain weight. This isn't me, and I need to do something better than being a couch potato.
I took the baby steps to heal myself. I sought consult for a professional help. Once a week for almost two months I am over the phone with someone for counseling sessions that absolutely helped me deal with my post traumatic stress symptoms. I keep myself grounded in prayer, meditation, yoga, journaling and staying in touch with people that are significant in my life- my family and friends. I focused in building resilience to just face the new normal.
Here’s the greatest lesson I have learned~ I know I won’t be able to control the toxic work environment that I am in or I was in during the peak of the pandemic but I am in control on how to react and deal with the situation. I’ve learned to just accept the fact that WE CAN’T SAVE ALL our patients. I am somehow feeling privileged to be with them during the last few moments of their life and I held their hands- and said a prayer for the eternal repose of their souls.🙏🏼
My message to those who think that this pandemic is a HOAX. Stop this stupid belief of yours! Open your eyes!!!! Wear your freaking mask and and stop turning this into a political game. I will never wish for Covid-19 to hit anyone - not even you or your family members.
2020 is not the greatest year but as Year of the Nurse - I will never ever forget how this whole thing changed me and how I perceive the true essence of caring in nursing. And how “team nursing” plays a huge role in the course of the pandemic. I am thankful to all our travel nurses who extended their help during this difficult time.
The war against COVID-19 is not over yet. Experts say that there is a possibility of the resurgence of cases in the Fall but hoping it isn’t as bad as the first time we’ve experienced it. I have learned to over rule FAITH OVER FEAR. I believe that God performs its glorious miracles up to this day. I might be scarred but not broken. I will continue to strive to be the best healthcare worker that I can be. 💜
